“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” 1 Corinthians 15:5
Many who read this may not remember the Peanuts cartoons drawn by Charles Schultz. It was a mainstay of American newspapers. One of his characters, Charlie Brown, was always the guy out of place. One of his famous sayings when he got frustrated or exasperated was Good Grief. I want to focus on the second word in this post.
This is not intended to be a dissertation about grief. There are many resources, and many churches have grief counselors who can be very helpful. Instead, it is my journey over the past 78 years dealing with the loss of a loved one. I learned that, in life, there is no such thing as “good” grief.
The first loss that Sis and I suffered was the death of her parents. Her mother died in 1982 due to terminal cancer. She spent her last year on this earth being made comfortable at home. Sis and our youngest son, Richard, then 5 years old and in kindergarten, spent so much time with her at her home that Richard actually graduated from two kindergartens – one in Shelby, NC and the other in Raleigh where we lived.
That year had a profound effect on me – it led to my becoming a Christian after watching my mother-in-law deal with her terminal illness in such a remarkable and brave way. As a Christian, I learned about eternal life – something that had escaped me before.
My parents unexpectedly died a decade later. My father died of a pulmonary embolism as a result of routine hernia surgery. Although it was 30 years ago, I remember telling my mother who was bedridden in a medical facility due to a stroke. She had aphasia and couldn’t say more than 3 or 4 words at a time. The shock on her face in reaction is forever etched in my brain.
I spoke at my father’s funeral, and, then I made a mistake. A week after he died, I got on a plane and went to Tokyo on a business trip. Instead of dealing with my grief, I escaped into my legal world in a foreign country. The lesson learned is that everyone has to go through grief in their own way. If you skip over it, as I did, you only postpone the inevitable.
After my father’s passing, I became my mother’s primary caregiver and visited her daily in the Springmoor medical unit. I started bringing my dog, Rosie, a long-haired dachshund, who quickly became the center of attention for my mother. Conversations were hard because of her aphasia, but she loved to just pet our dog and you could tell she loved having me bring Rosie along.
A recent article in World Magazine highlighted the impact canines can have in helping those who are grieving to be comforted by a tail wagging dog in the aftermath of the school shootings in Uvalde, Texas. No words are necessary.
There are five widely accepted stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. I didn’t make these up, and not every grief situation, but the depression one was one that got me. It is a deep sadness for what has happened where very little will cheer you up. At the time my father died, I had been dealing with burnout, and his passing did not help the equation.
Recently, we watched my wife’s brother deal with Advanced Alzheimer’s and ultimately pass away last June. His widow spent the last several years being his caretaker over the last two years were particularly difficult as my brother-in-law went from being reasonably conversant, aware, and mobile to just the opposite in a fairly short period of time.
I had hatched the idea of a trip out of the country – in our case to Portugal which I had never visited. When I mentioned it to my sister-in-law, Missy, she got excited and lit up emotionally. I knew I had struck on something that she could look forward to despite her situation.
We took the trip to Portugal in September – for 11 days. My wife and Missy spent a lot of time reminiscing over the times together with Joe, my wife’s brother. It brought smiles, and I think helped both of them process through his absence in our lives going forward. The picture above is from our hotel in Viana de Costelo in northern Portugal with my wife and sister-in-law in the foreground.
Why write about this in a blog on mentoring? Children are particularly impacted and it is estimated that 10.5 million children are dealing with the loss of a parent or caregiver just because of Covid alone. Life is full of surprises, some of them unexpected.
The next generation will face the death of a loved one or close friend. Grief is right around the corner. The greatest cause of death of younger people today is drug overdoses and suicides. I know that there is a swath of friends and family affected. In most cases, they are unprepared for dealing with their grief.
From my own experience I know that grief is real. It cannot be postponed or ignored. You can go into denial, but that doesn’t help you deal with it. I learned that lesson with my father, and my recent experience with my wife and sister-in-law which showed a healthy way of dealing with grief.
As a mentor, you may have a mentee who has lost someone close – a sibling, close friend, parent, or grandparent that has affected them deeply. You should be sensitive to the fact that the process of grief takes time and each person’s time frame may be different.
The title, of course is deceptive. There is no “good” grief. Dealing with the loss of a loved one is a personal journey which is often best handled with caring family and friends.
MENTOR TAKEAWAY: There is a strong chance that your mentee has (or will) deal with the loss of a loved one. You can be a great resource and source of comfort to help them find acceptance and meaning.
RESOURCES
Canine Comfort – World Magazine
WORSHIP: Beneath the Waters (I Will Rise) – Hillsong
For more information about Mentor Link, go to www.mentorlink.org.
You can receive an email notice of each post by clicking on the icon at the top right corner and entering your email address
MentorLink 